I'm Sorry
by suisei no mitsukai
Summary: They all fell by his hands. Can he redeem himself or is it too much?
1. The End of the Beginning

I'm Sorry 

One Day. It took one day. Just twenty-four hours for one hundred ninety five years worth of accomplishments to be destroyed.

How I will never forget it. Just writing this wrenches my heart and soul. If you asked me to I could point out five seemingly empty spaces in the night sky, where the colonies used to be.

I visit him every day now. The guard recognizes me and asks no questions. I cry out to him, asking him to forgive himself. My pleas fall upon deaf ears. He won't listen. I watch as he cries and I begin to cry.

It's like this all the time. He barely eats and is becoming frightfully thin. His eyes are slightly sunken, surrounded by dark circles. The guard tells me he rarely goes to sleep. He stays up all night apologizing.

I ask the guard to let me in, let me speak with him face to face. I kneel down embracing him in a hug. I whisper comforting words trying to console him.

He pushes me away saying he doesn't deserve love. He says he doesn't deserve to live. That the only reason he's alive is because he deserves to be punished and must pay for his crimes. 

The guard says that my time is up. I turn to gaze at him once more before I leave. Tears begin to flow down his cheeks. I swallow the lump in my throat and walk away.

I still have another stop to make before my day ends though. The Colony Memorial Cemetery.

I think back. They each tried to stop him that day. Fighting him one by one until they all lay defeated before him, dead at his hands. 

Unfortunately they were too late. All of the colonies were gone, wiped out in almost an instant. Few people saw it coming. A terrible page of history written.

I look up at the sky. It wasn't his fault. It was just the combination of a forsaken experiment and a saddening loss. 

"Why can't you forgive yourself Quatre?"

                                    Signed Relena Peacecraft


	2. An Unexpected Turn

Relena looked up from her journal entry. The way the words flowed and blended with each other caught her eye. The strange way that they almost seemed unreal, how they almost felt like a story disturbed her. No matter how much she wished it were, what had happened will always be real. It will never be anything less than real. 

As she sat what had happened was being written and recorded in history books. She sighed. Life would never be the same. So many loved ones lost, and the loved ones that were still here, god how they hurt.  Her heartbeat quickened slightly as she thought about all of them—Heero, Wufei, Trowa, and Duo. Them and so many more would never be seen again. And then a tear slid down her cheek as Quatre came to her mind. Relena realized how horrible she felt while just thinking about what had occurred. _"How does Quatre feel?" _ She stifled a sob.

He was living only to punish himself. He was living knowing that he destroyed thousands of lives and ruined countless more. What his mind had wanted at the time had occurred. There was no war now. There was peace. But the price of that peace was enormous. Even his family was gone. Every single one of them had died. How horrible it was..

She stood. It had been several days since she had written that entry, and several days since she had visited Quatre. Relena clutched a piece of paper in her hand. How important the words on it were. She had just received the letter yesterday.

It was an order to commute Quatre.  Relena smiled. She didn't think the new global government would even consider her request. But here it was the paper that would free Quatre from his imprisonment. Of course he was still guilty of the crime, but he could be free to deal with it the way it should be dealt with. She read the paper again still not quite believing what it said. 

Relena had been relieved of her position as Vice Foreign Minister since the colonies were no longer in existence so she wasn't sure how much political influence she still had. But obviously there was some there or this proposal wouldn't have even been considered. She stood and left the apartment. 

Now she just had to make a stop at the special confinement prison.

Two shadowed teal eyes gazed up at Relena as she stood before them. She could barely hold back her own tears as she smiled.

"Quatre I've come for something very important."

He didn't speak, the only emotion showing upon his face being that of extreme sadness.  Relena knelt down to be at eye level. "Quatre I've just received your commute papers."

His eyes flickered slightly. She couldn't read them at all.

"Oh.." he said.

Relena put her hand on his shoulder. "You're free now Quatre." Now she could read his eyes. Yes, the surprise they revealed was obvious. 

"But..how? How could they let me?"


	3. Spinning thought

Relena just smiled as a tear trickled down her cheek. She wrapped her arms around him. "Please Quatre stop torturing yourself. You've paid; you've suffered so much." She stood, pulling him with her. "Just live again.."

His eyes were downcast. "I'm not sure that I can."

"I know you can Quatre. I know you can..."

She held him there for a moment. Maybe, just maybe if she held him long enough she could absorb some of his sadness. Maybe he could become his old self again. But deep in her mind Relena knew she was only deluding herself. It was going to take time for Quatre to heal…so much time. She sniffled slightly and held Quatre out at arms length, smiling at him the best she could. 

"I know you may not believe me Quatre, but what happened wasn't your fault. You shouldn't hold it against yourself. In time I know you'll realize it yourself."

Quatre made no reply, not even when Relena led him out of the cell and down the hall. His eyes flickered from side to side occasionally, taking in the expressions of the guards as he walked past. Such fear in their eyes, he lowered his head and continued to walk, not quite comprehending where he was going. Relena opened the door and stepped outside, gently pulling Quatre along with her. His arm jerked and he stopped walking.

"The…the sun…I haven't seen it for so long."

Relena smiled and began walking down the steps that lead to the sidewalk. "You can enjoy it Quatre. You don't need to worry anymore. I've arranged for us to live in a special building alongside Preventers Headquarters. We're going to help them with their work and rebuild your life." She waited a moment giving the information time to sink in. 

"We're going there now so you can get used to everything."

He nodded slightly and gazed around at the buildings as they walked, almost as if he were nothing more than a lost child. Relena sighed; they only had a couple more blocks to go before they could catch a bus. She grimaced at the people around them. Everyone made a path when they walked by, almost as if they were carriers of the plague. If things were going to be like this it will be very difficult for Quatre to heal. She would have to do her best to shield him from the harmful influence of the public. 

Quatre just watched Relena as she walked. _Why was she doing this?_ He certainly didn't deserve it, not after what he had done. He could see people leering away from him, glaring as he walked past. He didn't blame them one bit for their reactions. After all he had decimated nearly a quarter of the human population. He had brought it down upon himself by committing his horrible deed. He didn't deserve to be treated with respect any longer, and he didn't expect any. 

Relena stopped and squeezed his hand. "Are you feeling alright Quatre?" She waited for an answer but none came. She winced inwardly, feeling slightly hurt that he would not speak to her. But it wasn't the least bit surprising. Everything was going to be very new now. After all he had been imprisoned for nearly three years, left only to his own destructive thoughts. She could barely imagine the pain he must have felt. The pain she herself felt was barely tolerable at times, but she had dealt with it and so would Quatre in time. 

After an extremely nervous bus ride and a few more minutes of walking the two arrived at the large five story gray building that was the Preventers main headquarters. Relena stepped forward but Quatre wouldn't move. She turned toward him and could see the worry in his eyes. 

"It's fine Quatre. Don't worry; you know some of these people. I understand the building is rather intimidating but everything will work out just fine." She spoke softly, trying her best not to alarm the poor boy. "Noin and Une are inside. You remember them. Please don't worry."

Quatre nodded and blindly walked up the steps and through the glass doors. Former friends. _How would they judge him now?_ _How would they look upon him, with disgust, with fear, with pity? _He frowned. He didn't want to see them. He didn't want their eyes crawling over him. He didn't deserve their pity. 

Relena noticed the slowing of Quatre's pace. He almost seemed to drag along, trying purposefully to slow her walk. She squeezed his hand and tugged at him gently. "Everything is going to be fine. I'm going to show you where we will be living and get you settled in. There is nothing to worry about I promise."

Minutes later Relena had taken Quatre through their whole apartment room by room, trying to make him feel at home. Quatre squinted as they walked about the place. Everything was white and clean, reminding him of a physician's office. Finally though Relena had shown him to his room and left him there to go about getting ready for dinner. His stomach complained making quite loud it's protests of being kept empty for so long. He ignored it and sat down on his bed. His eyes moved toward a small television in the corner. Slowly he walked to it, pushing the power button and staring blankly at the screen, not even bothering to change the channel. There was a blonde woman standing on the street babbling something about interviews. Quatre sat down on the bed and continued staring at the screen, not really taking in what he heard or saw. 

"And a in recent news, a most shocking development has occurred. Quatre Raberba Winner was released from solitary confinement today even after the many protests outside local courts…"

Quatre's ears perked up. "There were protests…and yet I'm free." He moved closer to the television, hanging on every word from the reporter's mouth. 

_"Few people have claimed it a grand act of generosity to free the young felon but we want to know what our viewers think on the subject."  _The camera turned toward an older man standing close by. _"Tell us sir what is your opinion on the release of Quatre Winner?"_

The man's face contorted into a grimace. He was obviously not pleased with the decision. _"That maniac should never have been released from prison; he destroyed every single colony for heaven's sake. I don't know what those politicians were thinking when they made that decision. I lost my whole family in that attack and I'm not ever going to forget it and if I ever see that boy I'll certainly make sure he never forgets it…"_

Quatre sighed and turned the television off. A tear rolled down his cheek and splattered onto his hand. "I'll never forget…ever." He tossed the remote onto the bed and watched as it bounced into the floor, the batteries flying out. 

"Quatre dinner's ready." 

A low sigh escaped Quatre's lips as he struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He slowly opened the door and walked into the kitchen. Relena smiled at him as she set two dishes onto their small table.  "Have a seat and you can go ahead and get started. I'm sure you're hungry." She bustled into the kitchen, coming back with two glasses of water and sitting herself at the table. Relena handed Quatre a glass and sat down to her food, watching him slowly cut his chicken. 

She put a piece of the chicken in her mouth and winced at its dry texture, but she continued to eat it hoping it wouldn't bother Quatre. _It's his first night back and I'm already causing problems. _She sighed and began eating her rice instead, pausing to take a drink from her glass when Quatre spoke.

"Do you hate me Relena?"

Relena nearly choked at his words. Laying her glass down, she looked at him, trying to understand why he asked such a question. "What do you mean hate you?"

Quatre's eyes fell to his plate as he continued cutting his chicken, the pieces becoming smaller and smaller. "Hate me for what I've done…"

She winced as Milliardo and Heero came to mind, God how she missed them. She took in a deep breath, trying to collect her thoughts.  She loved them so much…but there was no way she could hate Quatre. None of it was his fault. He couldn't be blamed. She frowned; it was the zero system and the cursed fighting. "No, I don't hate you at all Quatre. I have no reason to hate you. Your actions weren't your own and I don't hold anything against you. Please believe me when I say it. Don't think of me that way." 

He continued to cut his chicken, mulling over her words in his head. _No reason to hate you…I killed them all…not your own actions…everyone's gone…believe me…I'm a murderer…believe me Quatre…believe me Quatre…Quatre…_

"Quatre!" 

His eyes flew up to Relena's as she shouted, fear inching through every bone in his body.

"Quatre, you're cutting the plate…your chicken is demolished."

"Oh…" He looked down at his plate, noticing what he had been doing the whole time they had sat there. His chicken looked as if it had been run through a chipper. His knife and fork sat on bare china. "I didn't realize."

Relena smiled. "It's quite alright Quatre. I don't blame you for not eating it; my cooking leaves much to be desired." She chuckled slightly, lightening the mood. 

He smiled faintly and put a small piece in his mouth, trying his hardest to swallow it without water. "It's a little dry."

Relena choked on her water and started laughing. "I agree Quatre. Tomorrow we'll have to see about you cooking." She stood and patted him on the shoulder. "Sleep well tonight Quatre. You're going to have a big day tomorrow." With that said she quickly washed her dishes and left to her bedroom, leaving Quatre alone sitting at the table.

Quatre just sat there, blankly staring at his plate. His mind raced, not quite knowing what to think. He could feel a slight happiness stirring deep inside but the sadness ebbed and threatened to swallow it whole. He slowly stood and took his dishes to the sink, washing them and stalking off to his room. He slumped over onto the bed, willing himself to sleep. 


	4. Reflections

The next morning Quatre woke to a gentle nudge on the shoulder. He turned his head to find Relena standing over him. "Today we'll be touring headquarters. You can go ahead and get ready while I make breakfast ok?" She smiled and turned on the light as she walked into the kitchen. Quatre slowly stood and wandered into his bathroom, shedding clothes as he went. His mind was not on neatness; only on the tour he had been dreading since they had arrived. 

Relena's smile faded away as she began cracking her eggs. She had spoken to Une and Noin last night about this tour instead of sleeping like she had told Quatre. The staff there was fully aware of Quatre's frailty of mind and she hoped that they would not comment much on his presence, at least in a bad way. The two women assured her that things would run smoothly and that there would be nothing to bother him in the slightest, yet she still worried. 

Steam quickly filled the small bathroom as Quatre stepped into the shower. The water cascaded over his body, pounding as fiercely as it could, almost as if it were trying to wash away his impurities. He stood there unmoving, letting the hot water scald his skin. Absentmindedly his hand reached for the knob and changed the water to an appropriate temperature. His hands worked of their own accord, lathering his hair as his mind wandered freely. Today was the day in which he would be judged yet again, only this time by former friends…

Relena frowned. The eggs were beginning to get cold and Quatre still hadn't come into the kitchen. She walked back toward his room and peeked in. She could faintly hear the sounds of running water. She rapped the door lightly with her knuckles. "Are you nearly finished Quatre? Breakfast is ready."

"I'll be there in a minute."

"All right." Relena returned to the kitchen and poured them each a glass of orange juice. She laid the food upon the table and waited for him to come. Was it too soon to be entering Quatre into society like this? Should he be left alone…No he has already been alone too long. Relena shook her head, affirming to herself that this would be good for him. He needed to realize that things could really become better, more like they were before everything happened. 

Quatre, opened the bathroom door slowly, incase Relena was still there. He walked toward his dresser and managed to find a decent shirt and a pair of jeans. All of his assets were gone, liquidated, given to the families of the deceased. But that is the way things should be; they deserved something to help them move on, even if it were only money. He sighed and walked barefoot to the kitchen and joined Relena at the table. They both ate in silence, each afraid of disturbing the other. Finally Relena laid her fork down and watched Quatre for a moment.  He was pushing his food around on the plate, playing with it more than eating.

"They're not that bad are they?" 

Quatre chuckled slightly. "No they're not bad at all." He ate a forkful and looked up at her. "I'm just not very hungry."

The corners of her mouth drooped slightly. "Oh…well Quatre, try not to worry about today. Things are going to be just fine. Everything is going to be better. I'm sure of it."

"Are you really?"

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?" She watched him carefully, looking for signs of what he was thinking. 

"No reason I suppose…"

She reached across the table and placed a hand on his, hoping to console him. She barely contained a small gasp as he jerked away his hand, as if her touch had burned. She stood quickly and fumbled with her dishes as she carried them to the sink. Relena quickly bit her lip. She was not going to cry in front of him. 

"I…I know that this may seem sudden for you Quatre but you need to become accustomed to people, to normal life again." Relena paused for a moment to see if he would respond but he did not. She frowned and continued. "Noin will be taking us through the building and will explain the jobs we are to receive. It was very kind of she and Une to help us this way you know…"

"I know." 

Relena jumped when Quatre spoke beside her. She hadn't noticed him at all, but stealth was a Gundam Pilot's specialty was it not? She quickly wiped a tear away and laid a hand upon his shoulder, smiling to him. He flinched slightly but she chose to ignore it. "I just want you to be happy again Quatre."

Quatre nodded slowly as his mind scoffed at her remark. He understood that she just wanted to help him but it was so hard to accept after all he had done. His eyes flickered to the side and he watched Relena smiling at him. But why couldn't he accept her kindness? What was holding him back? His mind continued to ponder it's own questions as Relena led him back toward his room for a pair of shoes. He slipped them on quietly and followed her from their tiny apartment. 

"You see it was very kind of Miss Relena to donate this land to us for Preventers' Headquarters. If it hadn't been for her I doubt that we would have been able to find the proper funding for our organization, even though it is so important to keeping a lasting peace in this world."

Quatre barely heard a word of what Noin said as she led them through the white hallways of the building. "And this room to our left is used for…"

The words drifted in and out of his thoughts but what he was really concentrating on were the stares that he received from the workers. No one looked at him directly; it was all glances and murmurs. They were obviously trying to do such things without him noticing. Oh but he did notice. He could see their hands tremble, their lips tighten and he could see the fear in their eyes. They feared him…but then again didn't everyone? No…Relena didn't fear him, a small part of him hoped.  

Quatre's head sank and he managed to memorize the pattern in the carpet by the time that they had reached the final destination in their tour. He just didn't want to see the fear again. He couldn't handle seeing the fear anymore.

_"Quatre what do you think you're doing?!" _

_"I'm cleansing humanity of its urge for war…"_

"And this is where you two will be working." Noin opened the door and ushered them into a large office space. 

There were no windows; Noin had been that thorough at least. Relena had requested that their office have no windows. She wanted Quatre to re adapt to living a normal life but she wanted to avoid any conflict in the process and if that required hiding Quatre from the public as much as possible then so be it. 

_"Why don't you realize the mistake you're making Quatre?"_

Noin pointed to the first desk that was near the far wall. "That will be your work space Miss Relena."

"Please Noin," Relena spoke up. "You can just call me Relena. There's no reason for formalities anymore."

Noin nodded. "Relena you'll be working with our public relations department. Generally your assignments will come from either Une or myself." She turned toward Quatre who stood blankly near the door. "And Quatre will be working with our finance department to help keep our books straight, at least as straight as an organization like this can be."

Relena smiled as Quatre slowly approached his desk and sat down. He stared at the computer monitor nearly unblinking. She could tell that the tour had unnerved him.  

It didn't seem like mistake then though…show them all how horrible fighting truly was and they would stop…they would stop the war, the death, the sadness…But maybe Trowa was right. Why didn't I see it then though? Why didn't I stop before it was too late? Why did they all have to die?

"You've gone crazy and I'm going to kill you."

But it wasn't fair Trowa; no…Heero had said that. Maybe he was right…maybe I did lose my mind somewhere in the shadows of space…

Author's note: Wow….that took nearly forever didn't it? I apologize for taking so long to update but I just got stuck on this chapter and had to bash my way through writer's block to get to this point. Well I hope that I didn't turn everyone off totally from the story by taking so long. :P Maybe the next one will be out sooner…maybe reviews would make it come sooner….maybe this is a pathetic attempt for reviews to boost my deflated ego? Who knows? I just hope you're enjoying. 


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